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The Future -- Only two verses

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The Future -- Only two verses

Postby SajN » Jan 8th, '08, 19:11

Based on Lose Yourselfs beat. Only the beat. Not how it's originally rapped.


[quote][Verse 1]
How you gonna live is like Deck of Cards.
Choose the wrong, and the life's Wrecked Apart.
Pull yourself Together, don't be a Messed up Retard.
You can Do Better, sometimes it gets really Hard.
But you're the only one to fix the Broken Heart
Do what you can, to fix the life’s Chosen Art.
Do something out of your life, try to be Smart.
Don't wait longer, life’s already about to Start.
Every another Tick can Turn out be a big Chance
Be Quick, and you can Learn from the big Change
It might be Strange, out your Range, just don’t Faint
You can Fight the Rage, it don’t matter the Age,
You can Escape from the Cage, and leave your Past
Leave your Place, and you can go Far, and you can be Praised.
Just follow your Heart, do your Best,
And you can be Blessed to do whatever you want!

[Chorus x 2]
(No chorus yet)

[Verse 2]
The moon is sinking, the sun is Rising.
Pull away the Curtains, let the Light In.
I don’t wanna Hurt 'Em, but now I’m Fightin’.
against these People, with all I’m Writin’
I used to be Peaceful, but now I Try Things.
I don’t wanna Be Cool, just doin’ My Thing.
I like sayin’ what I Think, I like bringin’ what I Bring.
Your mind is Igniting, and now I’m Lightning the Curse.
I’m Brighten up the First Verse, I Followed it.
I’m still not finish to Swallow it.
Just trying to look back on All I Did.
I don’t think I did it right, I’m just a big Ball of Shit.
I picked the wrong card, now this is All I Get.
A Bit taste of Fame, bein’ able to know how it’s in the Game.
I don’t regret what I Became, I know it’s not the Same Thing.
But I just gotta be patient, and look after what the life Brings.

Chorus x 2]

[Verse 3]
http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=42547

I'll probably do some small changes, but it will be done after the 3rd verse is finished.
And I don't have chorus yet.

Any feedback, critism or/and tips is what I appreciate :y:
Last edited by SajN on Feb 5th, '08, 10:52, edited 8 times in total.
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Re: The Future (2nd verse added) ... Please Feed.

Postby Arabian Shady » Jan 9th, '08, 18:11

that was gd,
when u read it like that u can flow 2 it but wen u keep in mind the lose yourself beat its kinda hard to imagine a flow like that,mayb cause the song itself(lose yourself) is great in its own sense.
i mean evn weird al coudnt do it
all in all a worthy attempt,next verse if any try to keep the beat in mind
peace
ArAbIaN ShAdY


We're all on the same page, Yet we're standing apart on different lines'
So when we face rage, Ya'll fake it and let THEM commit horrific crimes
50 years & going straight, Yet this performance aint worth your time,OUR
Shit is BACKSTAGE,Cause the front page aint worth Kashmir and Palestine.
"Front Page",Arabian Shady


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Re: The Future (2nd verse added) ... Please Feed.

Postby SajN » Jan 9th, '08, 20:22

Thank you :flower:
Yeah, I understand that. It can be hard to follow another flow from the beats original flow.
A friend of mine said he's gonna make a beat to this, so I am just waiting for that.
Hmm.. Maybe one from this forum can do it :sweating:

More feed please.
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Re: The Future (2nd verse added) ... Please Feed.

Postby Tash8 » Jan 11th, '08, 16:03

i thought it was pretty good but some rhymes got the flow off

like

Choose the wrong, and the life's Wrecked Apart.
Pull yourself Together, don't be a Messed up Retard.

the second rhyme don't work..

messed up retard

keep it us, both verses were nice
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Re: The Future (2nd verse added) ... Please Feed.

Postby SajN » Jan 11th, '08, 17:02

Yeah, you're kinda right.
I tried to rhyme something better on the second, but couldn't find anything so I decided to choose "Messed up Retard". Really don't know what to put there instead.

Thanks for the feed, glad you liked it :worship:
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Re: The Future (2nd verse added) ... Please Feed.

Postby Rain Matrix » Jan 11th, '08, 18:14

flow on th second verse was a little here and there

but it didn't take away from tha drop

nice work
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Re: The Future (2nd verse added) ... Please Feed.

Postby SajN » Jan 11th, '08, 19:54

Yeah, I lost a bit on the second verse.

Thanks for feed :worship:

Keep them coming people :y:
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Re: The Future (2nd verse added) ... Please Feed.

Postby Hadez » Jan 13th, '08, 20:15

im likin it so far.
somethin i wanted to point out tho:
"Choose the wrong, and the life's Wrecked Apart.
Pull yourself Together, don't be a Messed up Retard."
^
there's an extra syllable in that last rhyme that kinda through off the flow a little bit to me. but maybe that's how you intended it to be, i dunno.

i like the second verse better than the first one. i think there's more meaning behind it, and alot less obvious as to wut your sayin, makes the reader think a little bit. i like that.
"The moon is sinking, the sun is Rising.
Pull away the Curtains, let the Light In."

thought that was dope.

"I’m Brighten up the First Verse, I Followed it.
I’m still not finish to Swallow it.
Just trying to look back on All I Did.
I don’t think I did it right, I’m just a big Ball of Shit"

liked that part too. i like when writer's take the wuts in the previous verse/ verses and put it in relation to the next verse/ verses. you did a good job on that.

so far so good. might could change some things here n there. but its an impressive couple of verses. :y:
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Re: The Future (2nd verse added) ... Please Feed.

Postby SajN » Jan 14th, '08, 14:36

Thanks for the feed Hadez :worship:

About the second rhyme, Tash also pointed it out, and I really don't know what to put there instead.
NoN-Stop wrote:I tried to rhyme something better on the second, but couldn't find anything so I decided to choose "Messed up Retard". Really don't know what to put there instead.


Err.. were you talking about "Pull" as an extra syllable, or "Messed up Retard" with the "up" as extra ?
Cuz you had the ^ under "Pull", so I thought you pointed on that word...

Like that you loved those parts :)
Again thanks for feed :worship:


More please ..?
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Re: The Future (2nd verse added) ... Please Feed.

Postby Jay-19 » Jan 14th, '08, 19:18

Very nice. In my own opinion, it seems like you're mixing some negative with positive thoughts, and you're doing it well. I may be wrong, and if I am, fuck it. That's how I read it.

But yeah, if it's written to Lose Yourself beat, it's kind of hard for me to find the flow actually, but then again, I have no idea how you flow to it. But the lyrics are good anyway! :y:
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Re: The Future (2nd verse added) ... Please Feed.

Postby SajN » Jan 14th, '08, 19:23

In what way am I mixing positive with negative thoughts ?
Any examples ? Just wondering what you meant.

Thanks for the feed anyway. I appreciate that :worship: .
As for the beat.. yeah I understand that problem :p
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Re: The Future (2nd verse added) ... Please Feed.

Postby Jay-19 » Jan 14th, '08, 23:34

The moon is sinking, the sun is Rising.
Pull away the Curtains, let the Light In.
I don’t wanna Hurt 'Em, but now I’m Fightin’.
against these People, with all I’m Writin’


This I mean with positive/negative. At first, the 2 lines in the beginning seems to be positive, and then, it turns negative. Know what I mean now? :8)
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Re: The Future (2nd verse added) ... Please Feed.

Postby Hadez » Jan 15th, '08, 05:29

oh my bad. i meant the "up". when i was typin the post the arrow was in the right spot, then it moved :sweating:
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Re: The Future (2nd verse added) ... Please Feed.

Postby SajN » Jan 15th, '08, 10:41

KillahGoat wrote:The moon is sinking, the sun is Rising.
Pull away the Curtains, let the Light In.
I don’t wanna Hurt 'Em, but now I’m Fightin’.
against these People, with all I’m Writin’


This I mean with positive/negative. At first, the 2 lines in the beginning seems to be positive, and then, it turns negative. Know what I mean now? :8)

Yeah, I know what you mean now.
It wasn't meant to be like that :8)


Hadez wrote:oh my bad. i meant the "up". when i was typin the post the arrow was in the right spot, then it moved :sweating:

Yeah, I was guessing that :happy:
I don't know how to do the line better... :sweating:


More feeds please
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Re: The Future (2nd verse added) ... Please Feed.

Postby SajN » Jan 19th, '08, 21:50

BUMP
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