The Future -- Only two verses

[SajN]

Thanks KillahGoat and EmptyPromises
I appreciate that.

I've written many lines now for the third verse.
I'll make a new thread with the third verse, since this one is so messy now. I mean, it has so many feeds for verse two.
Now I only need for the third.

[4D]

I've read both verses. I have to say I commend you for trying the multi's, and to your credit most of them work well, only a few as said by others have an extra syllablle, or throw off the flow. I like some of the lines you wrote, and ironically the simplest line you wrote was your best, the one Hadez said was "dope". "Pull back the curtains, let the light in", that was sweet, just gave a nice summer feeling to it. For soem reason when I was reading it gave me the same vibe as "Rabbit Run", especially when you said "Ball Of Shit". So I think that beat might work well with this, but you'd have to go back and edit some rhymes, and make the rhymes work a little better, that is the true science to writing a good rhyme, editing.

Keep up the good work man!

[SajN]

Thanks for the feed 4D
I'm glad you liked that, I appreciate it.

I'm thinking of changin' the last three lines in verse 2.

And I don't know how I can change this:

Pull yourself Together, don't be a Messed up Retard

Please take a look at this too: http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=42547
It's the third verse to this song.

[4D]

How you gonna live is like Deck of Cards.
Choose the wrong, and the life's Wrecked Apart.
Pull yourself Together, don't be a Messed up Retard.
You can Do Better, sometimes it gets really Hard.

Could make some changes like this, I would've changed the "wrecked apart" part altogether, but decided to keep your words and just show you an alternative rhyme to make the next line work.

How you live life is like a deck of cards,
One Wrong choice and it's wrecked apart,
Don't be inept retard, pull yourself together,
'Cos it gets real hard, when u're against the weather

Just an example, let me know what ya think.

[SajN]

It's good. It could work.

If I use that, won't it break with the other lines?
Should I change those next lines to fit with weather, or should I let it be like this:

How you live life is like a deck of cards,
One Wrong choice and it's wrecked apart,
Don't be inept retard, pull yourself together,
'Cos it gets real hard, when u're against the weather
But you can Do Better, and fix the Broken Heart
Do what you can, to fix the life’s Chosen Art.
Do something out of your life, try to be Smart.
Don't wait longer, life’s already about to Start.
Every another Tick can Turn out be a big Chance
Be Quick, and you can Learn from the big Change
It might be Strange, out your Range, just don’t Faint
You can Fight the Rage, it don’t matter the Age,
You can Escape from the Cage, and leave your Past
Leave your Place, and you can go Far, and you can be Praised.
Just follow your Heart, do your Best,
And you can be Blessed to do whatever you want!

[4D]

Yeah, that's exactly how ya do it, you're discovering flow and how to link lines together now. Try to incorporate this knowledge into future rhymes and you'll improve ten-fold!

[SajN]

Thanks 4D. I really appreciate those suggestions
It helps of a lot.

Could you take a look at 3.verse too?