Third Verse

[SajN]

"A Decision you Make, might be a Pissin' Mistake
But if you're Trickin' the Game, you might Kickin' next day
And if you're Lickin' the Fame, you might Sit-In the lake
And the Time's Tickin' Away, your Mind's Hittin' the Brakes
It ain't Getting so Great, better change gear and Accelerate
But remember, the Fate's All Up to You Unless
You Wanna Suffer Through this Mess,
or are you Gonna be Tougher and show Who's the Best
Like me when I was Depressed, the life was a Stress
I wanted to be Killed, Untill, the rap Music Rescued-Me
so I Used-It and Fled, it Boosted-Me, so I Knew-At-Least
that I could Loose-the-Beast inside of my Head.
That Led to opening my eyes, looking out for my Weakness
I tried to Seek-It, all this in Secret, Soon I got Speechless, of how I was Actin'.
Then I Reached-It,the point where I knew what was Happenin'
So I fucked the past, and I started Rappin'"



It's not finished yet.

It's to the track "The Future" : http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=42045

I think y'all get the rhymes, if not then ask, and I'll tell

And yeah, if you could come up with some suggestion to improve some of what I've written so far, I'll appreciate that, I feel like there's something missing, but I can't put a word on it.

[,-,'-{Bar}-',-,]

i cant read this, what are you bolding ? the rhymes ?

sorry but i dont get were your rhyming, the structure feels off for me, mainly because of the forced rhyming amplified by the bolding

A Decision you Make, might be A Pissin' Mistake
But if you're Trickin' the Game, you might Kickin' next Day
And if you're Lickin' the Fame, you might Sit-In the lake
And the Time's Tickin' Away, your Mind's Hittin' the Brakes
It ain't Getting so Great, better change gear and Accelerate
But remember, the Fate's All Up to You Unless
You Wanna Suffer Through this Mess,
or are you Gonna be Tougher and show Who's the Best
Like me when I was Depressed, the life was a Stress
I wanted to be Killed, Untill, the rap Music Rescued-Me
so I Used-It and Fled, it Boosted-Me, so I Knew-At-Least
that I could Rule-The-Streets, Instead of damaging my Head.....

apart from the weird rhyme strucutre that i cant grasp, but hey thats not a bad thing its your style, i think the A is needed were i put it (and bolded to show you) small thing buts it all about the sylybles and that makes a bigger difference than you might think (for me atleast) the italic stuff is lines i think need changed, the first 2 because they dont really make sense to me and they feel out of place, and the last one because it doesnt fit in with the concept at all for me




btw i aint hating that stuff is just me nti picking to help you improve, for positives, your flow is pretty good except for the shaky start

And the Time's Tickin' Away, your Mind's Hittin' the Brakes
It ain't Getting so Great, better change gear and Accelerate
But remember, the Fate's All Up to You Unless
You Wanna Suffer Through this Mess,
or are you Gonna be Tougher and show Who's the Best
Like me when I was Depressed, the life was a Stress
I wanted to be Killed, Untill, the rap Music Rescued-Me

^^ thats the strongest lines and i enjoyed them

the concept and content is good, and you base rhymes and decent


keep it up

[Steve Spag]

Wow man, I'm really impressed. That was some sick shit, and like most of your shit, I related to it aswell. I liked the complex flow of it. It took me a while to find it, but it turned out great in my opinion. Keep it up dude

[SajN]

i cant read this, what are you bolding ? the rhymes ?

sorry but i dont get were your rhyming, the structure feels off for me, mainly because of the forced rhyming amplified by the bolding

A Decision you Make, might be A Pissin' Mistake
But if you're Trickin' the Game, you might Kickin' next Day
And if you're Lickin' the Fame, you might Sit-In the lake
And the Time's Tickin' Away, your Mind's Hittin' the Brakes
It ain't Getting so Great, better change gear and Accelerate
But remember, the Fate's All Up to You Unless
You Wanna Suffer Through this Mess,
or are you Gonna be Tougher and show Who's the Best
Like me when I was Depressed, the life was a Stress
I wanted to be Killed, Untill, the rap Music Rescued-Me
so I Used-It and Fled, it Boosted-Me, so I Knew-At-Least
that I could Rule-The-Streets, Instead of damaging my Head.....

apart from the weird rhyme strucutre that i cant grasp, but hey thats not a bad thing its your style, i think the A is needed were i put it (and bolded to show you) small thing buts it all about the sylybles and that makes a bigger difference than you might think (for me atleast) the italic stuff is lines i think need changed, the first 2 because they dont really make sense to me and they feel out of place, and the last one because it doesnt fit in with the concept at all for me




btw i aint hating that stuff is just me nti picking to help you improve, for positives, your flow is pretty good except for the shaky start

And the Time's Tickin' Away, your Mind's Hittin' the Brakes
It ain't Getting so Great, better change gear and Accelerate
But remember, the Fate's All Up to You Unless
You Wanna Suffer Through this Mess,
or are you Gonna be Tougher and show Who's the Best
Like me when I was Depressed, the life was a Stress
I wanted to be Killed, Untill, the rap Music Rescued-Me

^^ thats the strongest lines and i enjoyed them

the concept and content is good, and you base rhymes and decent


keep it up

yeah, the bolded parts were supposed to be rhymes. I think it might be a lil confusing. So I've taken away the bold.
You can't see what I'm thinking, so you'll probably not get the rhymes. But when I record it, you'll see what rhymes

The A was supposed to be there, but I forgot to out it there, thanks for telling
I think those two first italic lines are ok.
Kickin' next day means like you'll do it better next time/day.
Sit in the lake means that you'll hit rock bottom or something.

But I agree with you on the last italic line. I gotta change that.
But do you agree that it fits to the two first verses?
Thanks for this feed, it was great to know what you said


Steve: Thanks man. Appreciate that

[SajN]

I've written more and changed the last line Bar pointed out. The verse is almost done.
So please leave feedback

[SajN]

Bump.

[Hadez]

not too bad. better then your last "third verse". although it still doesn't measure up to the other verses. i thought the "accelerate" line was good, but it would be even better if you switched it up to where the rhymes fit better. you did a little better job stayin on topic. i dont want to say too much bein that you're still workin on it, so you might be aware of some of the "issues" (if thats wut you want to call'em).

keep workin on it and lemme know when u've updated it.

[SajN]

oh, I thought this was better than the other verses, but I respect what you say.

i thought the "accelerate" line was good, but it would be even better if you switched it up to where the rhymes fit better

I didn't get that, sry. Re-explain it please

About that stayng in topic: What I wanted to do was to tell what I've did in 1st and 2nd verse, and in the beginning of 3rd verse. and then swith to where I tell what I did to come out as explained in 3rd verse.

Anyway, thanks for feed Appreciate it.

[Rain Matrix]

this project of yurs is gonna be dope

no doubt about it

this was an easy to read yet complex drop

^thumbs up^

[SajN]

Thanks Rain

More feeds please

[Ka0t1c]

thats pretty damn good man, i can see where you're going.... keep it up!

i still think its a "shaky" verse but it was well worth reading

[Arabian Shady]

pretty complex man,wiked shit!
i actually think bar pretty much sumed up on what i coudve said
keep this shit up man!
peace

[SajN]

Thanks for feeding guys

More feeds please.

[Jay-19]

Other than the rhyming is a little bit different then what I'm used to, this is really good. Probably the best verse in this song. You got deep lyrics and good concept in this song. I'm really looking forward to hear the track!

[SajN]

Cool man, thanks I'll record it as soon as I have the beat...

Leave more feeds people, please