NEW Urban Punk - Depressed

[Urban Punk]

Hey yall just looking a little feed back on the peace below all comments and are much appreciated


I feel deprived, broken and beaten inside,
possessed and obsessed, barely holding my pride,
I’m anxious and afraid, by god I feel betrayed,
hunkered down with my switch blade,
beneath a dark shade,
plagued wit aggression I’m inching inside,
stressed out stressing, wishin I could die,
I want to scream and shout!, but without hesitation,
I’ve got no solution, no choice worth choosing
especially when you down, and your brain’s in disillusion,


© Dangerous Minds Entertainment

[Emadyville]

Flow sucked, rhymes were weak/forced, and it was jumpy.

Btw Welcome to TR!

[neversnooze]

it rhymed and made sense, it was OK

[Solace]

It rhymed well and it did make sense. Definately better than me so good job.

PS. Welcome to TRShady. Home you enjoy your stay

[Urban Punk]

I understand the flow’s not up to scratch though apart from that I think calling the vocab and rhyme’s "weak and forced" is Kind of unfair considering its only half a verse and the first draft (I write 3 drafts) when I uploaded the song what I really wanted to know is should I write on? dose what you read above have the potential to be a good song in your own option? And if so what advice would you guys give to make it better?

[Urban Punk]

I think it could be great, you use a big vocab, and the rhyming is great.

besides the whole flow thing, it's a well written verse.

Don't know how you could make it better, but I'm sure someone might have a idea.

I appreciate that chet

[The Toy Soldier]

I understand the flow’s not up to scratch though apart from that I think calling the vocab and rhyme’s "weak and forced" is Kind of unfair considering its only half a verse and the first draft (I write 3 drafts) when I uploaded the song what I really wanted to know is should I write on? dose what you read above have the potential to be a good song in your own option? And if so what advice would you guys give to make it better?

dont argue if you are going to take critiuuqe take it and do what he says if he says its a weak rhyme than make it stronger simple as that dont make a thing out of it just cause you can use a big ass dictionary and some scientific words doesnt mean ur raps are elite

[Urban Punk]

I understand the flow’s not up to scratch though apart from that I think calling the vocab and rhyme’s "weak and forced" is Kind of unfair considering its only half a verse and the first draft (I write 3 drafts) when I uploaded the song what I really wanted to know is should I write on? dose what you read above have the potential to be a good song in your own option? And if so what advice would you guys give to make it better?

dont argue if you are going to take critiuuqe take it and do what he says if he says its a weak rhyme than make it stronger simple as that dont make a thing out of it just cause you can use a big ass dictionary and some scientific words doesnt mean ur raps are elite

Firstly, you need to learn to spell (Toy Soldier) and second if I didn’t want constructive criticism I wouldn’t be posting my rhymes up on this site in the first place. I understand your point, but

“The past few months had me in couple placements,
Back and forth on some friends like double agents,
But the trouble ain’t-this, maybe it’s just basics,
It got me off my hiatus and back to aiming for famous,
No longer blaming faces, feeling ashamed or nameless,
No more searching for dumb broads, dames, or a waitress,
I’m still here and ready for what my fate-is so I can taste-this,
Sitting in my basement picking myself up off the pavements,
I’m a true artist who can’t be stopped when I start-this,
The smartest gripping a pen ripping in them regardless,
If the cards-flip and the chips fall I’ll strip all of my hardships,
So mark-this as victory and fuck the trickery of the heartless”

How can the same person that wrote the above tell me what I’ve wrote is weak, forced and jumpy. Honestly, you can see why I think what he said is unfair and who is he to judge when he can’t even write a proper song himself?

[Slim Zaddy]

no , i think it's cool . keep it up

[Emadyville]

I understand the flow’s not up to scratch though apart from that I think calling the vocab and rhyme’s "weak and forced" is Kind of unfair considering its only half a verse and the first draft (I write 3 drafts) when I uploaded the song what I really wanted to know is should I write on? dose what you read above have the potential to be a good song in your own option? And if so what advice would you guys give to make it better?

This is what I was saying. The rhymes seemed like you just used them because they rhymed, and it seemed that way because of your structure, the flow was completely off because of it. So to me the rhymes were forced. I think you def have potential because you obviously understand the importance of rhyming in songs, especially rap songs. Also with the rhyming, some it didn't seem to rhyme were it should have, which is again because of the structure. The best way to flow when writing is to have lines be roughly the same length, or with shorter lines, have the same amount of syllables. Finally, the reason I said they were weak was because they were forced, if your forcing rhymes into a song it makes the rhymes worthless, because they are there merely to rhyme, and don't necessarily serve a purpose. I'll take some of your lines and redo them to show what I mean, I hope this cleared it up, and I apologize for sounding unfair.

Edit: my example is below, didn't want to make this post gigantic.

[Emadyville]

Ok here is what I took from your rhymes:

I feel depressed and deprived inside,
possessed and obsessed barely holding my pride,
I’m anxious and afraid, by god I feel betrayed,
hunkered down with a switch blade,
beneath a dark shade,
I’m plagued wit aggression and inching inside,

And here is how I took your rhymes and added internal rhymes, double rhymes, and end rhymes to make it all work. I made the lines similar in length so when read it flows. I obviously took away from exactly what you were saying but I hope this helped.

I feel depressed and inside I'm deprived,
Alive but possessed so the best I strive,
Until obsessed, always on a quest for pride,
But now I'm stressed, maybe I'll rest when I die,
I'm anxious so what I drank-must have plagued,
I've been played, now I'm afraid to be betrayed,
So I stay-down, just play-around with a switch blade,
While every hitch-made me wonder which-shade,
To hide behind, or how to rewind this aggression,
Remind to not stress-and design a new lesson.

[Emadyville]

Damn do I got to bump this shit for you, I tried helping you out, ha maybe you ain't been online.

[Urban Punk]

Damn do I got to bump this shit for you, I tried helping you out, ha maybe you ain't been online.

Nope, I get your point and I appreciate that though by taken “away from exactly what I were saying” you totally contradicted yourself, when you said in your first post my “rhymes were weak/forced” by influencing the flow you’ve forced word’s and changed the emotion of the entire verse. I don't know how you write song's and ill give you your due I went on your myspace and had a look at your tracks and there not bad if anything there well wrote and therefor I asume you know what your talking about anyway's thanks for the comment's

PS
My bandpage - http://www.bebo.com/Devilville

[Urban Punk]

Yo, I really appreciate that man mean’s a lot to me

[Urban Punk]

I know I lost (forgot) my old password, just decided to start a new account and post up some new tracks