New Rhymes

[Emadyville]

This is something I found last night that I wrote I think like 6 months ago. IDK where the beginning is or if I never wrote the beginning, but this is the ending of a little story rap. Feedback please, I'd like to know if I should write the set up to this ending and maybe use it for my album?
Note: The flow on this would be pretty fast, kind of like Em's verse on "One Shot, Two Shot"

Edit: I just wrote the first two verses now for this song. Didn't do the hook yet. But the rest ^ still applies. Thank you all for feedback.

I used to a thug for and a gangster in the drug war,
Was digging myself a grave thank god I never dug more,
I was bugged and sore so I got out and just fled,
Too much bread in ransom my anthem I trust instead,
To go for the big deals, to be riding in big wheels,
Big steals, to be honest just being bigs real,
So I got a crew together, black leather jump suits,
I dumped lose the plans for a couple grand on dumb dudes,
Hid out in the slums used crumbs to keep them chummy,
Bunch of dummies, didn’t know I was keeping all the money,
So the plan was mapped out, some were scared and backed out,
One dude was so nervous his nerve’s split and he blacked out,
The plan to ransom off the biggest drug dealers brother,
On the side steal another car to get away and peel rubber,
So as the day came we felt we were ready for the rapture,
Tricked his brother to capture, big smiles and laughter,
Switched into the car without a hitch in the transfer,
Ransom note was wrote and we’re waiting on the answer,

Two days passed and the deals ready to be made swiftly,
We don’t give him his brother cause he only gave us fifty,
So we get out of dodge dodging bullets in the cross fire,
Car chase scene is a hard place to be when you lost tires,
They blew them out so we lose traction and spin,
The car stops, we take the transaction and get in,
To the nearest building to hide out but they saw us,
Bullets still flying turning plywood to sawdust,
One of my men gets caught and hit in the chest,
Ripped his vest blood spills kills him I hit the deck,
Duck down and back up, I lucked out as they back up,
Another mans struck now as trucks crowd the blacktop,
I make move and hope I don’t end like the last four,
A crash course on life it’s night and I make a dash for,
The back door and I exit I could almost pass for,
A lunatic who threw a fit but I lost my passport,

As I get out I see the getaway car left, bizarre,
Maybe theft, but are we far from debt?
I grab the money sack filled with packed bills,
In the front pocket none in the back still,
They tell me to act real, wait, in fact steal,
The car across the street with the black wheels,
What are you stupid? They all have the same color,
Then suddenly we saw one and here came another,
They shot up that car and as the flames smother,
We all aimed at each other until we named his brother,
Yeah we have him stashed, where they asked,
So we think fast, last we saw he was collapsed,
The guns still in grasp, bullets fill the gaps,
Between where we ducked lucked almost hit the gas,
And before bullets ran out we all ran out,
Found a damn house ran in and cut the lamps out,
Trying to find more ammo as Chris lights a Camel,
The lights ample but he might as well lit a candle,
Cause here they come running, all yelling their coming,
To kill us, fill us with lead until we’re dead something,
Flashes right behind me no one could speak out,
Then they leave out the back as I collapse and bleed out,
A medic I need now, so I grab a phone and speed dial,
But I can’t I’ll be caught by police and plead while,
The sirens sound and I’m booked during medical treatment,
All the evidence points to me like I left intentional feet prints,
It’ll be a federal case, illegal weapons and burglary,
So I’m sure to be in jail after this emergency surgery…

[DelinQuent]

reminds me of Murder Murder.

seems to flow from how i was reading it. rhymes were great as usual.

record this, i wanna hear how it actually sounds.

edit-the 2 new verse make this much more tied together and enjoyable. should be a good song if you can pull off a good hook.

[Emadyville]

Thanks to both of you.

[SajN]

Dope man!

Yeah, it also reminded me of Murder Murder.

Flow was smooth. I liked the rhyming on the 1st verse better, but both had good rhymes.
Nice job, and record this one


Keep it up!

[Jay-19]

I agree with the other dudes. This shit is tight man. You should come up with a dope hook and record this, can be a great track for real. You got some really really nice lines up in there with some awesome multies.

[Emadyville]

Damn thank you guys a lot for feeding.

[<Stiiccy>]

woah i got into the story lol
reminds me of somthing emiemish

flows verrrrry nice...

alot of people can do storys but not flow them this well

you just proved to me that you are talented,,.,
if you can bring that heat the mic you will be one of the best here,,,
i would love to give some tips and shit when you start to record again