Rap Attacks

[Slim Zaddy]

what do you think .. hope u will like it though

Verse [1]

Well I’m gonna use my rap to expose various facts,
Bunch of fags, who’re charged for a man heart attack,
Evidence lacks suspect’s attacks, parting clues collapse,
Prosecutors acts, indicates mysterious mingling behind my back,
Feeling is trapped, details are capped, rumors are tapped,
Political hacks is back, causing panic attacks to magazines racks,
Sonora lac is used to relax, putting masks against gassed,
Vast Feelings blast fast, passed I was harassed because it last,
All I have asked is nothing in contrast, hustler outlast is vast,
Smuggler trade, played in fade, their movements are in take,
Felonies are sprayed, betrayed are everywhere in crusade,
Honesty is fake, criminals evade but dismayed, afraid of persuade,
Details are behind their fate, dissuade is all what it takes,

[Chorus]

Life is a game, scrawniness is on blame, and it’s a shame,
The strongest gets the fame, others are just feeling tame,
Music is my aim, it became my main flame to face this game,
Rap hip-hop and pop are not da same, but they all get's you fame

[verse 2]

People sit in a booth to smidge the truth, improvised by sleuth,
Without a further ado, this shits is too far form the truth,
In my youth I was selling tooth brush, realities askew,
Matures obscure, walking unsure, feelings ant’s pure,
Life’s rage is strange, endurance is caged, and age is gauged,
Blood spreading across the page, leaving me outrage,
Facts keeps me amazed, folks are crazed by getting engaged,
Wage in middle age was like a disengage, youth left un-raised,
Some people find love blind, others letting it glide out of mind,
What I did find, love and hate are combined, despite mankind,
Thinking rationally is actually, better in relationships internationally,
Nationally felonies done irrationally, deaths and suicide in multination ally,

[chorus 2x]

[reedm7]

its .."what is he thinkin? ..how not to go against me is smart" ...learn ur em rhymes playa

[Solace]

I thought it was good. Seemed like all the rhymes were way too forced. "Im thinking of making verse 2" well you already made one Anyways this was an error that jumped out at me:

"Without a further ado, this shits is too far form the truth,
In my youth I was selling brush tooth, realities askew,"

you mean "tooth brush", wtf is "brush tooth" lol

Flow was a bit hard to get onto too. Hook was okay, the last line ruined it. Wayy to forced "i disclaim what they proclaim" is what ruined it for me. And i just disagree with the three genres of music being the same so bias also slightly ruined the hook for me. 7.5/10 man keep it up.

[James R.]

Shadymademe pretty much wrapped it up. The rhymes didn't sound natural at all and it really took away from the song.

[Slim Zaddy]

I thought it was good. Seemed like all the rhymes were way too forced. "Im thinking of making verse 2" well you already made one Anyways this was an error that jumped out at me:

"Without a further ado, this shits is too far form the truth,
In my youth I was selling brush tooth, realities askew,"

you mean "tooth brush", wtf is "brush tooth" lol

Flow was a bit hard to get onto too. Hook was okay, the last line ruined it. Wayy to forced "i disclaim what they proclaim" is what ruined it for me. And i just disagree with the three genres of music being the same so bias also slightly ruined the hook for me. 7.5/10 man keep it up.

thanks for the comment Shadymademe ,, but what do u mean by too forced , aha my mistake for brush tooth , i did'nt notice it .. i will fix the hook though ,, but first explain what do u mean by too forced and what should i do to fix it .. check emotions explodin nd tell me your opinion

its .."what is he thinkin? ..how not to go against me is smart" ...learn ur em rhymes playa

i did'nt get ya man ,, anyway thanks for the comment ...

[Slim Zaddy]

Shadymademe pretty much wrapped it up. The rhymes didn't sound natural at all and it really took away from the song.

thanks for the comment james ,, but what do u mean by they did'nt sound natural .. can u explain ,, and i'm gonna ask u the same thing i hve asked from Shadymademe , can u tell me how to fix it ..

[Solace]

By 'too forced' i just mean what James means by unnatural. IIt feels that all the stuff you wrote had no meaning (even if they did) and that you just wrote them because they rhymed.

[James R.]

Check it out. Listen to a song by Snoop or Em who have a great flow. It sounds like they were born to spit those particular lyrics. It doesn't even sound like lyrics as much as it does a part of the beat (that happens to be words). When you read a song, once you find the flow, it should take any thought to read it. It should read like you would deliver: smooth, constant, and natural. No one goes into the booth and says "Ok, so this is what's going to happen. I'm going to say this line with about 8 syllables, and then sqeeuze 15 into this one." or "Ok, well I wanna get a multi in right here so I just speed this part up to make it fit to the beat."

It's like an old car almost. It still runs, but you can hear the engine grinding away at itself. As opposed to a new foreign masterpiece where you can barely hear it when it turns on because everything is so in sync with everything else.

The easiest way to fix it would be do what I do and that's write to some kind of beat. When I dont you can tell because it's harder for people to follow a rhythm that I have in my head. And whether you use the beat or not, you need to read it out loud to yourself. If you find yourself asking "ok how did I make this work before?" chances are you changed the rhythm, even ever so slightly, in your head and therefor changed the entire flow of the song for what seems to be no real reason to your reader(s). So you read it and change words or add/subtract syllables and once you can read through it all without having to stop or thing or anything then 9 times outta 10 you've got the flow on lock. But that's just what I do.

[Slim Zaddy]

By 'too forced' i just mean what James means by unnatural. IIt feels that all the stuff you wrote had no meaning (even if they did) and that you just wrote them because they rhymed.

aha okay then ,, thanks for clearing things up , i do hev a meaning , but ya u right , i guess i hve used alot of rhymed words that tight the subject nd make flow a little bit hard , anyway thanks ,, improvements will be noticed on my next song ..

..

[Solace]

James broke it down really well ^

[Slim Zaddy]

Check it out. Listen to a song by Snoop or Em who have a great flow. It sounds like they were born to spit those particular lyrics. It doesn't even sound like lyrics as much as it does a part of the beat (that happens to be words). When you read a song, once you find the flow, it should take any thought to read it. It should read like you would deliver: smooth, constant, and natural. No one goes into the booth and says "Ok, so this is what's going to happen. I'm going to say this line with about 8 syllables, and then sqeeuze 15 into this one." or "Ok, well I wanna get a multi in right here so I just speed this part up to make it fit to the beat."

It's like an old car almost. It still runs, but you can hear the engine grinding away at itself. As opposed to a new foreign masterpiece where you can barely hear it when it turns on because everything is so in sync with everything else.

The easiest way to fix it would be do what I do and that's write to some kind of beat. When I dont you can tell because it's harder for people to follow a rhythm that I have in my head. And whether you use the beat or not, you need to read it out loud to yourself. If you find yourself asking "ok how did I make this work before?" chances are you changed the rhythm, even ever so slightly, in your head and therefor changed the entire flow of the song for what seems to be no real reason to your reader(s). So you read it and change words or add/subtract syllables and once you can read through it all without having to stop or thing or anything then 9 times outta 10 you've got the flow on lock. But that's just what I do.

James i can notice that you really hve put some effort explaining to me ,, well i can’t say more that more than thanks ,, really i appreciate your help , and i hev skim through all of your advices nd put em on my mind so that mistakes wont happen next time .. advice from the best must to be taken ,, and i will start writing on beats ,, cuz actually i hev never try it though , glad u helped me , nd again thanks

[James R.]

No problem man. Glad I could be of service.