a little less clearer

[tjb]

i wana pull through, like a dude with cancer, where kemo is the only answer
i wanna be the underdog, hoo might win the race, comin outta the fog with a grin on his face
i wanna lead the pack, the whole way, an still lead tht motherfucker at the end of the day,
i wanna start off chased, and end up chasin, start off disgraced, and end up disgracin
an i always want what i cant have,but im always goin take whats up for grabs
but one i thing i always got, is persistence its as hard as rock, yea me for instince,
never broken, even when it may be fragile as glass, like me, when i think bout the past
not much of a history buff,but ik my stuff
an as time goes on my past gets a lil less nearer, my memories is blurred, there a lil less clearer

[Requiem]

i really like it. the flow is cool for the first half of it. and the rhymes/multies are great. kinda falls off at end, but good piece

[James R.]

Well aside from the obvious grammatical (lol) errors it was decent. I wouldn't say any part of it was great, but compared to your last drops theres a definite improvement. The flow was good enough and was sustained throughout. The rhyming was basic. The rhyme scheme was followable, which is ALWAYS a plus. The multies (if there were any) were very basic, but you're just starting out so I'd much rather you get a feel for structure and flow. Keep practicing.

[Solace]

I liked it There was flow, some very simple multies but i really liked it. The beginning gripped me in, if it was shitty i wouldnt have bothered reading the rest. Keep it up man, 10x better than that lil wayne diss.

[MC Anonymous]

i wana pull through, like a dude with cancer, where kemo is the only answer
i wanna be the underdog, hoo might win the race, comin outta the fog with a grin on his face
i wanna lead the pack, the whole way, an still lead tht motherfucker at the end of the day,
i wanna start off chased, and end up chasin, start off disgraced, and end up disgracin
an i always want what i cant have,but im always goin take whats up for grabs
but one i thing i always got, is persistence its as hard as rock, yea me for instince,
never broken, even when it may be fragile as glass, like me, when i think bout the past
not much of a history buff,but ik my stuff
an as time goes on my past gets a lil less nearer, my memories is blurred, there a lil less clearer

I would have to say that this was an improvement, but I know you can do better
You need to structure your pieces better.


i wana pull through, like a dude with cancer,
where kemo is the only answer
i wanna be the underdog, hoo might win the race,
comin outta the fog with a grin on his face
i wanna lead the pack, the whole way,
an still lead tht motherfucker at the end of the day,
i wanna start off chased, and end up chasin,
start off disgraced, and end up disgracin
an i always want what i cant have,
but im always goin take whats up for grabs
but one i thing i always got, is persistence
its as hard as rock, yea me for instince,
never broken, even when it may be fragile as glass,
like me, when i think bout the past
not much of a history buff,but ik my stuff
an as time goes on my past gets a lil less nearer,
my memories is blurred, there a lil less clearer

Structuring it like this will make it easier for the reader to read, gives the reader a flow to follow, and generally make it readable. Multi syllable rhymes will grab the readers attention, as well as metaphors and similes, as I said before. Try to practice more on the grasp of multies and give it another shot.

[Ka0t1c]

yeah, i like it, it's pretty good, i see some nice things on this piece which gives me the belief you are going in the right direction


oh yeah, def work on your structure, then more ppl will read it throughout and feed.

[lilrossy]

i wanna start off chased, and end up chasin, start off disgraced, and end up disgracin

^^i really liked this line, pretty cool. but overall it was alright. keep writing