despair (revised)

by **gutawafang** » Feb 6th, '09, 14:32

I revised the lyrics i made earlier so that i could rap it out well.
http://www.zshare.net/audio/5519020532ab7a4a/

beyond repair, i'm feeding on despair
i'm tearing my hair, scaring myself
i need consolation, words of salvation
in dictations, poetic decorations
won't you feel this, i'ma kill this
if you wanna steal this, i will diss
tissues neither, i wanna rant and rave
prepare me a coffin, then renovate my grave
i'm breathing my last coughing, "it is all fate" engraved
goddamn, i don't wanna wait in caves

my eyes squint, then they came to a close
my mind sprints, it seems a shame adios
wait, i think i need God to help me up
i pray cuz i think i got to, He kept me up
i see the light, breathed it clean, i hover
i feel so light, like in a dream, whatever.

despair,misery i feel, do you care
when i go down, do you stand back and stare
fuck it, i don't wanna feel like this
but i'm still like this, i'ma be like this

by **enjinn** » Feb 6th, '09, 15:56

good shit man...i like the lyrics

by **°[~CHR!$~]°** » Feb 6th, '09, 16:14

my eyes squint, then they came to a close
my mind sprints, it seems a shame adios
wait, i think i need God to help me up
i pray cuz i think i got to, He kept me up
^ this part went like butter...flow-wise it was stable...

but rest was pretty off beat :sweating:

but just keep practisin...watch some rap battles and get a sense for flowing :y:

but quality wasnt actually that bad and lyrics are pretty decent

by **MC Anonymous** » Feb 6th, '09, 19:31

You gotta improve your flow a bit, like C-riz pointed out those lines flow like butter, the other ones you go to slow. I'd say to stop trying to sing as much cause' it gets annoying a little bit to me. Lyrics were good :y:

. Delivery needs some work. Overall it's 6/10 :y:

by **gutawafang** » Feb 6th, '09, 19:36

Yes I agree my singing sucks, Anonymus. :'(

by **gutawafang** » Feb 8th, '09, 18:58

°[~CHR!$~]° wrote:my eyes squint, then they came to a close
my mind sprints, it seems a shame adios
wait, i think i need God to help me up
i pray cuz i think i got to, He kept me up
^ this part went like butter...flow-wise it was stable...

but rest was pretty off beat but just keep practisin...watch some rap battles and get a sense for flowing but quality wasnt actually that bad and lyrics are pretty decent

Thanks a lot man! Thanks for complimenting the mike i used.

enjinn wrote:good shit man...i like the lyrics

Sure thanks, you should tell me how to improve, ya'll! :sweating:

by **Slim Zaddy** » Feb 9th, '09, 11:49

well lyrics are sick as i said to you before , i liked your voice it's pretty nice really i do :y:

, you have energy and excitement in your voice , you're not sound boring , so it's good , but you lack the flow a little bit, also the delivery was not that good , but by practice these can be fixed , so keep writing and singing, cuz if you dont sing, you wont get better at all, it's was a good attempt for the first time . so gd job here ,, nd keep trying bro .. :b:

by **Jay-19** » Feb 9th, '09, 13:30

You got potential, no doubt.

But you really need to work on your flow and delivery a lot.
Lyrics are good, really good at some parts. But your flow/delivery brings the grade down a lot man.
The main thing you need to fix first of all is your flow. Try hit the rhymes on the snares or whatever.
Delivery can be fixed quite easily when you get your flow together man.

As said, I see the potential, just keep on working on your flow bro! :y:

by **gutawafang** » Feb 9th, '09, 15:56

z_em wrote:well lyrics are sick as i said to you before , i liked your voice it's pretty nice really i do , you have energy and excitement in your voice , you're not sound boring , so it's good , but you lack the flow a little bit, also the delivery was not that good , but by practice these can be fixed , so keep writing and singing, cuz if you dont sing, you wont get better at all, it's was a good attempt for the first time . so gd job here ,, nd keep trying bro ..

Thanks for your guidance z em in making this song. I guess everyone keeps saying bout my flow. I'll fix it in my next song. Yeah, I'll keep trying. I'ma practice till the day that I quit. Fuck, I won't quit. Thanks z em. $\:D/$ $\:D/$

Jay-19 wrote:You got potential, no doubt.

But you really need to work on your flow and delivery a lot.
Lyrics are good, really good at some parts. But your flow/delivery brings the grade down a lot man.
The main thing you need to fix first of all is your flow. Try hit the rhymes on the snares or whatever.
Delivery can be fixed quite easily when you get your flow together man.

As said, I see the potential, just keep on working on your flow bro!

Thank you for the critic man. I will work on delivery. I will LEARN from this forum. Thanks man! :happy:

by **Jay-19** » Feb 9th, '09, 18:24

gutawafang wrote:I will LEARN from this forum. Thanks man!

Hope so, that's why we're giving feedback man. :smoking:

despair (revised)

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