It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, FDL, woke up in a swamp. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling barely stunned, FDL punched a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Happy as a frickin' monkey, he realized that his beloved Eminem's diary was missing! Immediately he called his vicariously jealous friend, SajB. FDL had known SajB for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were exotic ones. SajB was unique. He was intelligent though sometimes a little... selfish. FDL called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
SajB picked up to a very nervous FDL. SajB calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies grimace before mating, yet albino cats usually flamboyantly panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting FDL. Why was SajB trying to distract FDL? Because he had snuck out from FDL's with the Eminem's diary only eight days prior. It was a enchanting little Eminem's diary... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before FDL got back to the subject at hand: his Eminem's diary. SajB sighed. Relunctantly, SajB invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Eminem's diary. FDL grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, SajB realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Eminem's diary and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if FDL took the nappy, busted-out hatchback, he had take at least eleven minutes before FDL would get there. But if he took the Dre mobile? Then SajB would be really screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, SajB was interrupted by seven dimwitted Care Bears that were lured by his Eminem's diary. SajB yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he skillfully reached for his dull pencil and randomly punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Dre mobile rolling up. It was FDL.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, FDL was out of the Dre mobile and went surreptitiously jaunting toward SajB's front door. Meanwhile inside, SajB was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Eminem's diary into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his elephant. SajB was angered but at least the Eminem's diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' SajB flamboyantly purred. With a inept push, FDL opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish beer-sloshed tool in a gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV,' he lied. 'It's fine,' SajB assured him. FDL took a seat just perfectly far from where SajB had hidden the Eminem's diary. SajB sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But FDL was distracted. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, SajB noticed a dimwitted look on FDL's face. FDL slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
SajB felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when FDL asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Eminem's diary right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on FDL's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. FDL nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before SajB could react, FDL aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The Eminem's diary was plainly in view.
FDL stared at SajB for what what must've been six hours. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, SajB groped wildly in FDL's direction, clearly desperate. FDL grabbed the Eminem's diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. SajB let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, FDL,' he rebuked. SajB always had been a little selfish, so FDL knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before SajB did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he gripped his Eminem's diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
SajB looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from FDL. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for FDL. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. SajB walked over to the window and looked down. FDL was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, FDL was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind SajB's place. FDL had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Care Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Eminem's diary. One by one they latched on to FDL. Already weakened from his injury, FDL yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Bears running off with his Eminem's diary.
About eight hours later, FDL awoke, his fingernail throbbing. It was dark and FDL did not know where he was. Deep in the humid magical cornfield, FDL was scarcely lost. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he remembered that his Eminem's diary was taken by the Care Bears. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a little Care Bear emerged from the foxy forest. It was the alpha Care Bear. FDL opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Care Bear sunk its teeth into FDL's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from FDL's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than six miles away, SajB was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Eminem's diary. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened potato. With a careful thrust, he buried it deeply into his ear. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about FDL... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Eminem's diary that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Care Bears, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.
