I liked the lyrics alot, but your flow was choppy which can be worked if you do it right but there were parts were you fell off. And I think your layers were off a little at part. Beat was dope! Delivery was good, you have good emotion in your words but need a little work on voice control. Overall the song was decent, held back by the actual performance.
To me it sounded like you recorded it once or twice and settled. Were you coulda smash this song out with a good couple hours perfecting it. Also by doing that it gives you practice which will improve your flow. Dont take it the wrong way, Im just tryin to give u a few pointers in my honest opinion.
So things you should work on imo:
Record till its perfect, listen to it for a while then go back and record it again!
Keep practicing with your flow, make sure the rhymes hit were they are suppose to, breath when you suppose to.
Try to go towards a little more fluid flow as well.
Again i mean no disrespect, just wanna help you improve cuz your a good writer and have a good voice for it. Keep dropping and it will all come together.
